Rupert’s astonishing confessions

We were all looking forward to this week’s version of Angela’s Caches with such a glow of anticipation, truly it warmed the cockles of the heart. After all, Angie had promised us a full-on freak show, with a panel of guests that included the fresh-from-Holborn Sabine, Neelu ‘Lien on Me’ Berry, Penny ‘You Want Crystals with That’ Pullen, Lee ‘Wolverine’ Cant, and Rupert ‘My Head is Perfectly Normal’ Quaintance.

It started fairly uneventfully…well, nearly half an hour late, but Angie said she’d fallen asleep listening to an interview with Abe and Ella, and really, who could blame her? We’ve done that many a time.

Neelu told us about her singing hobby and the fact that her ‘second father’ is (was?) also mad as a box of frogs.

But things really got going when Rupert explained to a rapt audience of the usual 11 people [Late correction: we just heard viewership hit 19! Astonishing!] how he found it terribly difficult to watch the original videos in which RD’s children were forced to make grotesque allegations about their father, their schoolmates, their schoolmates’ families, their teachers, and their community at large.

In fact, Rupert said, it was so profoundly heart-wrenching for him that he was forced to listen in short bursts, interspersed with long bouts of self-abuse.

Yes, he really said that. We were spellbound.

Here is an actual conversation between two of our HR researchers who were listening to this stunning revelation:

A: If Rupert was that anguished after a fake, forced interview, I shudder to think what he must’ve got up to when he heard about those poor Nigerian schoolgirls being kidnapped by Boko Haram.

B: Oh, I’ll bet he was self-abusing to beat the band over that one.

A: What an image that conjures up.

B: (singing) 76 trombones led the big parade….

A: I am never speaking to you again.

B: Pass the popcorn.

And then there was the church…

Yes, Rupert really did admit to visiting Christ Church in Hampstead, where he proceeded to urinate on the building.

Admit, hell. He bragged about it.

According to Rupert, this is the American Way. Take the bull by the horns, march into a community where you’ve been told there are paedophiles, and confront them head on…by pissing on a local house of worship. Then leave, quickly, so as not to get caught.

Some of our readers were less than impressed:

We wonder whether Rupert’s friends, who have so far funded his little jaunt, will be thrilled to know that Their Man in London has spent his time thus far smoking weed in Erith and piddling on churches. We’re sure they must all feel so proud.