Abe’s new career: ‘Big guns lawyer’?

Abe has embarked on a new career path: perhaps inspired by Charlotte Ward Alton and her famous pretend ‘Big Guns Lawyer’, he’s started writing to Joe Kent at the BBC, calling himself ‘Legal Team’, and protesting that Victoria Derbyshire’s interview with Ricky Dearman was unfair and somehow ‘illegal’.

Yes, that interview. The one that ran on 20 April, 2015. Six months ago.

Here’s the beginning of his Drifloud-like email:

‘Lubricious’? We’re quite sure we never heard Mr Dearman use that term. (‘Lubricious: offensively displaying or intended to arouse sexual desire; smooth and slippery with oil or a similar substance’ ~ OED)

We believe the word ‘Legal Team’ is searching for is ‘ludicrous’.

Here is Mr Kent’s response:

So….six months late, and Abe & Ella’s crack ‘Legal Team’ writes to the wrong person. Well done, Abe. Slow clap.

Never one to admit defeat, however, Abe pushes on:

What prompted Abe to write (the wrong person) (six months after the show in question)? JUSTICE, that’s what!

Excuse us as we pick ourselves up from the floor. Haven’t laughed this hard in weeks.

He follows up with a killer blow: “You do work for the BBC….”

Yes, Abe, and so does the person who mops the floors in their mailroom. That doesn’t make them the appropriate person to contact six months after the fact with spurious claims from a pretend lawyer about how they’ve misrepresented a legal case and will be made to pay.

In a spelling-challenged, typo-ridden diatribe, he tries to exert the full force of his prodigious mental capacity upon the mighty BBC. We’re certain they took this with all due seriousness.

Don’t they teach ‘big guns lawyers’ to write in English any longer?

Abe follows this masterpiece with more of the same, this time to some lucky Labour party members:

Pro tip: Lawyers don’t generally say things like, “I would not normally write to you, but we have been failed by the courts, the court of appeal, the police, the ipcc, the JCIO, the historic child abuse inquiry to name a few”. And even if they did, don’t you think a real lawyer would at least capitalise ‘Court of Appeal’ and ‘IPCC’?

Abe follows up (yes, this is still the same email, which has now grown to Drifloud-esque proportions) with some paragraphs which we feel might, indeed, have come from Ella’s lawyers. They’re mostly spelt correctly, and they seem to reference, you know, legal shit and all.

However, he spoils the effect by (in usual Abe & Ella style) over-egging the pudding: he just cannot seem to help inserting his own editorial comment.

Have a look for yourself:

Note on the above: Are lawyers in the habit of alleging ‘police corruption and judicial bias’ in emails they send to the BBC?

Honestly, if you’ve hung in this far, you should get some sort of medal.

But seriously, this ‘lubriciously’ over-long email takes the cake, even by Abe standards. It’s rambling, pompous, full of lies and half-truths, and ultimately leads nowhere. Much like Abe himself, come to think of it.