How not to make death threats

Here’s an important tip for those out there whose preferred method of communication is the death/dismemberment threat: don’t. But if you really feel you must, when writing to your intended victims it’s generally best not to cc the police into the incriminating emails.

You see, the law doesn’t think highly of death threats (or threats to remove fingers or limbs or run people through wood-chippers or whatever), and so when the police receive this sort of email they are likely to take a dim view.

Case in point: John ‘The Schnozz’ Paterson’s frequent death threats to this blog and those he believes are associated with it.

We and John used to have such a pleasant relationship: he’d read one of our articles, have a bit of a hissy fit, send us a threat via the ‘Contact Us’ link, and that would be the end of it.

We never paid much attention; it was just John being John. Ugly, aggressive, and ultimately not terribly interesting.

And then…

However, about eight or nine months ago things took a turn for the worse. We don’t know what tipped him over the edge, but suddenly we discovered that John had been including DC Andy Grimwood of the Sussex Police in his correspondence to us.

(Alert readers might recall that DC Grimwood also has the amazing good fortune to be in charge of Matt Taylor’s various legal misadventures. Clearly, he did something very, very wrong in a past life. He has our sympathies.)

In any case, suddenly we found that we were unwillingly involved in some sort of weird ménage à trois (or ménage à quatorze once all the various cc’d individuals were factored in—John apparently likes an audience for his little performance pieces).

The thing is, John, when you tell the officer who has been in charge of arresting you for the past few years that you plan to do terrible things to other people, chances are the officer will think less of you.

So perhaps it’s ill-advised to say things like this:

I expect them to be arrested and questioned, before some of my friends get to them first. AND TAKE-DOWN THEIR FAKE ABUSIVE WEBSITE. They had better crawl back under thier (sic) rocks before they get crushed.

Or this:

Get another scribe because it will be hard to write with no fingers. May-be (sic) it will be safer to go to the nearest Police Station and confess so you can be locked away for your own safety.

Or this:

If I ever get my hands on them they will never speak again. They also spread lies that I murdered my ex-wife. 

Hoaxted (sic) Paedophile Protectors Exposed, El Coyote, Tranny Reva Burton, Sam Best, Butlin Dawg, The Judas Iscariot Fan Club, and the rest of the Tribe at Hoaxted (sic) Research. Fat usless (sic) bastards. We have thier (sic) IP addresses, just waiting for the right time.

Or even this:

It is GCHQ and corrupt officers behind it, and so far, GCHQ have failed to respond to me. I have warned the low level Freemasons that they already know too much and will be horizontalized. 

Having received many such emails in the past couple of years, it came as very little surprise to us to learn from John’s friend Andy Devine that John was recently arrested for…you guessed it: making death threats.

Yep, we really couldn’t make it up.

“Wot? Not that nitwit again….” Photo by Marianna on Pexels.com