Look out, ol’ Frances is back!

It’s been a good long while since we heard from Frances Mulligan, our favourite leathery-skinned Hampstead-cave-dwelling commentator, whose incisive yet charming missives formerly graced these pages.

So imagine our delight when we discovered not one, not two, but three letters from Frances in our mailbox yesterday.

Here they are, in chronological order:

Cute, bunny-like Frances Fans,

Salutations!

Thank you for all your private messages  whilst I was away on holiday – your missives certainly put a smile on my face every morning – as I’m back home in my cosy tunnel now, please note all letters and parcels should be sent to Hampstead instead of Riga.

Thank you so much.  Without you, Frances is simply a lizard without portfolio.  *With* you, Frances is Frances the She-Dragon of Hampstead, feared by all wrong-doers (you know who you are, you silly hoaxers).

You are, indeed, the wind beneath her scaly green wings.

Pardon Frances, she seems to have something in her eye right now which is causing her vision to blur slightly.  A lawn handkerchief is necessary, she fears.

Returning from holiday can be an onerous task, catching up with  news, gossip, and Frances’ personal favourite, Hoaxtead Research.

Imagine Frances’ delighted surprise, upon cranking up her computer today, to discover that Bedside Babes were the talk of the internet!

Frances has two Bedside Babes herself, which sit on the table beside her very comfortable Tempura (like Tempur, but the deep-fried version) bed.

Would you like to see them?  Frances is willing to bet huge sums of frogs’ legs that you would.

A recent addition to Frances’ boudoir

Frances feels a shudder of delicious fear each time she sees her good friend Mr Godzilla, going for the ‘crotch shot’.

Adieu, Uz redzēšanos, goodbye, until next time,

Frances

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Word fun with Frances

Hi Frances Funsters!

Want to play a game with Frances?  Of course you do.

Similar to those games one finds in the back of news broadsheets (Crosswords, Sudoku, for example), this one is called…

UNSCRAMBLE THE GIBBERISH!

Rules for creating the gibberish:

1.  Drink or ingest at least 2 mind-altering substances.
2.  Dye one’s hair a shade of grey last seen on a scrubbing pad
3.  Sit oneself in front of one’s computer screen, throw caution to the wind, and type whatever bilge comes out of one’s head.
4.  Press ‘send’ and wait for the accolades to come.
5.  Keep waiting.
6.  La li la li lah…
7.  Hmmm, where are those accolades?
8.  Check to see if one actually pressed ‘send’.
9.  Return to the liquor cabinet for a re-fill.
10.  Repeat steps 5 through 9, until results are satisfying.

Now comes the difficult part:  unscrambling.

In today’s local news broadsheet, Frances came upon this gem, which she found easy enough to work out (sometimes, one has it, and sometimes, one doesn’t.  Today, Frances had it.)

Therefore, iranyofgiIntheheyday is easily translatable to I ran out of gin the other day.

So simple, really.

Now, Frances offers up a puzzle for you!  She hopes her fans enjoy working this one out:

Belindaissuchapillock

Take your time, don’t be embarrassed if it takes you longer than 5 seconds.  I look forward to seeing your answers,

Toodles, Funsters!
Frances

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Cheaters never prosper

Dear Frances Fans,

Frances has discovered that Belinda McKenzie decided to play along in the game mentioned in Frances’ column yesterday, called

UNSCRAMBLE THE GIBBERISH

Frances is overwhelmed to think of the milli-seconds of deep thought Miss Belinda put into this game.

From what Frances has read, Miss Belinda has indeed followed the rules (see Frances’ post of yesterday) very, very carefully.  In fact, Frances fears Miss Belinda may have got slightly carried away and ingested both alcohol and chemicals, in order to win.

This, Frances is saddened to tell you, is cheating.

Sorry, Miss Belinda, but, pending drug testing results, you may well be disqualified from further play.

Frances