Look out, ol’ Frances is back!

It’s been a good long while since we heard from Frances Mulligan, our favourite leathery-skinned Hampstead-cave-dwelling commentator, whose incisive yet charming missives formerly graced these pages.

So imagine our delight when we discovered not one, not two, but three letters from Frances in our mailbox yesterday.

Here they are, in chronological order:

Look out ol’ Frances is back!

Cute, bunny-like Frances Fans,

Salutations!

Thank you for all your private messages  whilst I was away on holiday – your missives certainly put a smile on my face every morning – as I’m back home in my cosy tunnel now, please note all letters and parcels should be sent to Hampstead instead of Riga.

Thank you so much.  Without you, Frances is simply a lizard without portfolio.  *With* you, Frances is Frances the She-Dragon of Hampstead, feared by all wrong-doers (you know who you are, you silly hoaxers).

You are, indeed, the wind beneath her scaly green wings.

Pardon Frances, she seems to have something in her eye right now which is causing her vision to blur slightly.  A lawn handkerchief is necessary, she fears.

Returning from holiday can be an onerous task, catching up with  news, gossip, and Frances’ personal favourite, Hoaxtead Research.

Imagine Frances’ delighted surprise, upon cranking up her computer today, to discover that Bedside Babes were the talk of the internet!

Frances has two Bedside Babes herself, which sit on the table beside her very comfortable Tempura (like Tempur, but the deep-fried version) bed.

Would you like to see them?  Frances is willing to bet huge sums of frogs’ legs that you would.

Young-Paul-Newman-Picture

A recent addition to Frances’ boudoir

king-kong-vs-godzilla-image-8

Frances feels a shudder of delicious fear each time she sees her good friend Mr Godzilla, going for the ‘crotch shot’.

Adieu, Uz redzēšanos, goodbye, until next time,

Frances


Word fun with Frances

Hi Frances Funsters!

Want to play a game with Frances?  Of course you do.

Similar to those games one finds in the back of news broadsheets (Crosswords, Sudoku, for example), this one is called…

UNSCRAMBLE THE GIBBERISH!

Rules for creating the gibberish:

1.  Drink or ingest at least 2 mind-altering substances.
2.  Dye one’s hair a shade of grey last seen on a scrubbing pad
3.  Sit oneself in front of one’s computer screen, throw caution to the wind, and type whatever bilge comes out of one’s head.
4.  Press ‘send’ and wait for the accolades to come.
5.  Keep waiting.
6.  La li la li lah…
7.  Hmmm, where are those accolades?
8.  Check to see if one actually pressed ‘send’.
9.  Return to the liquor cabinet for a re-fill.
10.  Repeat steps 5 through 9, until results are satisfying.

Now comes the difficult part:  unscrambling.

In today’s local news broadsheet, Frances came upon this gem, which she found easy enough to work out (sometimes, one has it, and sometimes, one doesn’t.  Today, Frances had it.)

Therefore, iranyofgiIntheheyday is easily translatable to I ran out of gin the other day.

So simple, really.

Now, Frances offers up a puzzle for you!  She hopes her fans enjoy working this one out:

Belindaissuchapillock

Take your time, don’t be embarrassed if it takes you longer than 5 seconds.  I look forward to seeing your answers,

Toodles, Funsters!
Frances

word games


Cheaters never prosper

Dear Frances Fans,

Frances has discovered that Belinda McKenzie decided to play along in the game mentioned in Frances’ column yesterday, called

UNSCRAMBLE THE GIBBERISH

Frances is overwhelmed to think of the milli-seconds of deep thought Miss Belinda put into this game.

From what Frances has read, Miss Belinda has indeed followed the rules (see Frances’ post of yesterday) very, very carefully.  In fact, Frances fears Miss Belinda may have got slightly carried away and ingested both alcohol and chemicals, in order to win.

This, Frances is saddened to tell you, is cheating.

Sorry, Miss Belinda, but, pending drug testing results, you may well be disqualified from further play.

Frances

Belinda-bases-2

25 thoughts on “Look out, ol’ Frances is back!

  1. Bit off subject, but what’s the idea of ANGIE POWER DISNEY sending facebook posts to her other account ANGELA POWER DISNEY?

    Is it some clever idea of hers to get around publishing “info” on facebook??

    Seems a daft idea to me, but i’ve got to laugh as she’s promoting Brenda Mumsy McNamara who promotes Melanie Shaw who DETESTS Angela/Angie Power Disney.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve been wondering this as well. What’s the point?

      Saw a clip last night of ‘Mumsy’ McNamara decrying the publication of the names and addresses of Hampstead residents online. She was very emphatic that it was wrong–and she was quite correct.

      Like

      • Just popping by to remind you, Fran, of how sorely missed you are. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing well, though. And I love your word game!
        Is the ‘Fran Aid’ charity still active, by the way ? If so, I’d like to donate generously and often…🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Good question – perhaps she’s sharing information with one of her other personalities? It must be difficult to keep track of multiple personality disorder. Angie herself has claimed to be a sufferer

    Liked by 1 person

    • Angie or is it Angela, claims to have every mental health condition going!

      I’m surprised she hasn’t claimed to be a Psychiatrist yet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, she probably is, in one of her personalities.

        The problem is, I never see any ‘alternate’ personalities–just the same old scamming chain-smoking hypocrite, time after time.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Whilst she claims to have personally never taken a “penny from Iran Aid or any other charity for that matter” It still leaves the question of the £800 from the Knight Foundation (the accounts now show only £1 in the bank) – perhaps this explains it:

    From https://belindammckenzie.wordpress.com/ (published by Belinda 28th August 2015)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I don’t believe a word of what Belinda says.

    Her type don’t even buy a round of drinks, yet they happily drink ones bought for them.

    She’s playing with words.

    She might not have taken a penny but i bet she’s taken a few pounds!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. If I was a Hoaxtender I’d stay in tonight and I’d especially not go to Edinburgh. Here’s what happened last year.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. The dragons lair

    House prices on Mouse price indicate £1 – 1.5m.

    A bit tatty, but with the land she has split off quite a valuable asset

    Reputedly a large gin store though…… (and a butler hideaway)

    POOR POOR BELINDA…….

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Frances! Yay

    And if anyone is wondering what Abraham Christie has been up to, well perhaps you would be surprised to hear he’s been hemp cannabis cannabis blood transfusion bullshitting again?

    http://cannabisdigest.ca/metabolism-homeostasis-and-the-endocannabinoid-signaling-system/

    “A plant based blood transfusion which re-establishes healthy intestinal flora”

    And he still hasn’t been to the wiki page that explains that there is more than one type of chlorophyll and more than one type of heme. Chlorophyll isn’t an essential nutrient either. Magnesium is needed, but not exactly in massive doses. Imagine what I could do with 20 years of research into nutrition rather than decades old chemistry and biology lessons and being a bit sciency many many years ago.

    “The oil and protein emulsion contains chlorophyll ( an essential nutrient) which is identical to heme apart from the central element, and the globular proteins together replenish our haemo/globin.”

    Yawn…

    He may actually be a bit obsessed and blind to information that could cause him to modify his ideas. He truly has an idée fixe, and it has messed up people’s lives.

    https://twicebakedinwashington.com/2013/04/03/my-first-two-weeks-eating-raw-cannabis/

    Liked by 2 people

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