And now for a special message from our favourite 7-foot tall tunnel-dwelling lizard, Miss Frances Mulligan:
Dear Frances Followers,
Lately, Frances has been reading a lot about people in need. They have, as young people say, “issues” that need “resolving”.
By “resolving”, Frances assumes they mean they they want cold, hard cash to help them escape their current predicament.
Frances applauds these people for their inventiveness and wishes she had thought of this style of fund-raising long ago, when she needed resources to help cure her scaly elbow skin.
Never one to ignore a good idea, Frances has done some research and discovered a Fan of hers is already doing this exact type of fund-raising.
Her Fan is, of course, Belinda McKenzie, who wrote to Frances not that long ago, bidding her adieu, bon voyage, and sayonara, before, how does one say, skipping the country and living life on the lam.
Belinda’s clever plan brought in the big dosh; definitely enough for dinner a deux at a local Hoaxtead BabyBackBurger joint. Belinda called this particular, as the police would say, scam, Iran Aid.
In a nod to Belinda’s criminal inventiveness, Frances would like to announce she is also going to start up a fund-raiser. It shall be called…
Please donate generously. Fran needs the money you send for her weekly 3-hour pedicures at the Illuminati Spa, as well as to keep her gin supply in good order.
Don’t let her down.
The money will not go to starving orphans, or blind kittens, or even blind, starving, orphaned kittens.
It will go directly to Frances’ Philglas & Swiggot account, meaning she will no longer have to face the horror of missing her pre-dinner drink anymore.
And is that not what giving is about? Making Frances happy?
Yes, it most certainly is.
So, give generously. And often.
Frances thanks you.