Every now and then we are fortunate enough to discover a fine vellum envelope pushed under the office door at Hoaxtead Research HQ. The contents, always precisely penned in a flowing script, never fail to amaze and amuse.
These letters, of course, come from our friend Frances Mulligan, a 7-foot tall lizard of indeterminate age who dwells in a tunnel in Hampstead. We’d like to share yesterday’s letter with you:
Dear Frances Fans,
Dear Mr Rupert believes himself to be a vigilante activist, recently arrived in London to kick paedophile ass. Frances understands he has set up a GoFundMrRupert account , not to help children in need, but to help Mr Rupert live out his fantasies in one of the most expensive cities in the world.
Rupert has Food, Clothing, and Weed needs. Vigilantes cannot live off idiotic impulses alone, correct?
Mr Rupert contacted Frances this weekend, to brag about his work here. Frances bit her tongue and tried to stay quiet, but in the end, she had to respond.
The following contains excerpts from their conversation, transcribed from the audio Frances uses for all crank calls:
Frances: House of Lizard, Frances speaking. Who is calling, please?
Rupert: Another nobody making assumptions and acting on them.
F: Interesting. Pray, continue.
R: I stood in the street making myself very obvious and loud.
F: Frances does not understand how that helps do anything other than make passers-by think you are an annoying prat. Stop doing that.
R: If I’m such a loser, why is that [the wonderful, fact-filled, honest, Hoaxtead Research] website all about me?
F: Mr Rupert, please listen carefully and try to absorb what Frances is about to say. It is precisely because you are a loser, that you are spoken about on that site. You are in good company, along with other losers such as your HoaxMama Miss Angela, Neelu, Sabine, and Belinda. Do not think this is something of which to be proud.
R: Saving The World isn’t a club or a weekend retreat.
I am the journalist who will translate the British legal narrative from legalese into American English.
F: You are Saving The World? Frances begs to interrupt, by using one well-placed, necessary word: really? And you are a journalist? How fascinating, Frances would dearly love to see your credentials, and assumes you have a background in International Law. She would also like to see your Saving The World Cape, as you appear to believe yourself to be a super-hero of some sort.
R: If you don’t want to hear my mouth, don’t kidnap my friends and then follow police suggestions that say I can’t talk to my friend…
I can’t even interview people without you thinking I’m their best friend or something
F: Please clarify, Mr Rupert. Is he your friend or is he not? Plus, may we please get, as young people say, real? No one was kidnapped. By the way, friends don’t harass friends when they are ill, they encourage recovery and give them time to heal.
R: During my investigation into the current state of systemic UK child abuse & the actions taken against those who fight child abuse, I have uncovered:
-a narrative regarding law that goes back to 1689
-evidence that shows POTUS Obama as an international hero
-evidence that things are about to be shaken up globally
-evidence that power can and will be restored to the people
-police that like to lock up and abuse a 72 year-old activist
-police/CPS that like to take people’s children from them
-massive, mechanized, state sponsored child snatching
-crazy mental health professionals that do what the police say to
F: Dear Mr Rupert, Frances would dearly love to be impressed, but is too busy trying to contain her laughter. What you are saying has as much value as I have discovered that there are waves on the shore/pages in a book/olives in martinis. Just yesterday, Frances discovered that grass grew upwards. Imagine how proud she felt. What you are saying is vague, not true, and very, very silly.
R: I am now featured in a book.
F: How wonderful. You finally made it into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Not a moment too soon, as far as Frances is concerned. Frances wonders if they are dedicating a special chapter, Entitled Narcissists, to your life.
R: I clanked teeth with the dog. I am done with the dog.
F: Frances would suggest that next time, you try humans for your relationship needs.
After this final comment, Mr Rupert abruptly ended the call.
Frances went back to her nail polishing and gave him not even a second thought, except to wonder how all the Hoaxateers seem to have her telephone machine number. Most annoying.
Until next time, lovely Fans,
Frances Mulligan, a 7-foot tall lizard who dwells in a tastefully decorated underground tunnel in Hampstead, is a periodic contributor to Hoaxtead Research.