Dear Frances Fans,
This week, Frances interviewed a young man who thinks he is going to save the world from itself. He has many ideas which he thinks are clever, but in reality, do not hold up under close scrutiny.
(All Rupert quotes are guaranteed verbatim.)
Some excerpts from their talks:
FRANCES: Hello, Rupert, sit down, please make yourself comfortable. How are you doing today?
RUPERT: I keep losing sunglasses.
F: Oh, dear, that is a pity. Please, tell me how you are enjoying your time here?
R: Apparently I’m ugly in Europe.
F: Really? And why would that be?
R: I have very basic equipment.
F: Indeed. Yes, Frances understands that might be a problem with the ladies. Still, she hopes you are having a good time here. Is there anything about your physical body that you do feel proud of? Aside from the ‘basic equipment’, that is.
R: I like my head. I hate guys with girl hair. Look up ‘power’ in the dictionary and there’s a picture of my legs.
F: All right, Frances shall do that straight away.
5 minutes later…
F: Frances regrets to inform you, Mr Rupert, that there is no photo of your legs in her Oxford English Dictionary. What have you to say about that?
R: I’ll eat you for breakfast.
F: Mr Rupert, that is rather unkind, especially coming from a man who says he stands firmly against the eating of any human beings. I must insist you retract your threat, immediately.
R: I have a pack of large biker friends who don’t take kindly to anyone being forcible with me.
F: Frances is not being forcible. She is being firm. There is a difference, Mr Rupert, as any intelligent person would know.
R: You know well that I am not unintelligent.
F: Well, please behave as if you were, then. Back to Frances’ question, then. What do you do in your spare time, in between filming pretend hunger strikes and going to Dutch coffee shops?
R: Lets see how many push ups I can do. I wonder if any of those bitches from high school are watching this shit.
F: So you enjoy physical exercise. Frances is glad to see you appreciate the importance of a daily work-out. She is not so happy to hear you referring to women as ‘bitches’ though. Still, Frances supposes that is a modern affectation and has decided not to take it personally, especially if you apologise.
R: I say shit in hyperbole all the time
F: Yes…quite. Are you looking forward to your trip to England, Mr Rupert? Frances imagines you will fall in love with the green, rolling hills and valleys here.
R: Weed’s cheap here and your mom calls me on the phone at night, so I’m cool.
F: Weed? Frances’ mother? Mr Rupert, Frances has not the slightest idea what you are talking about. Frances’ mother does not own a telephone, and if she did, she would not ring you, as you two have not been formally introduced. As for weed, Frances thinks you must be joking. No one pays for weeds here!
Frances has to say, you sound like—
R: Unlike many others, I don’t sound like anyone but myself.
F: All right, then. Before we close our interview for this time, please tell Frances’ audience: which one thing in your possession means the most to you? The one thing that, should your house be on fire, you would run in to save without a second thought?
R: I have a letter from GHWB dated 1991
F: And you would actually risk your life for that? How unusual.
At this point, Frances realised she had to abruptly stop the interview, due to one of her sick headaches coming on.
Still, she hopes you find this in-depth look at the inside of Mr Rupert’s brain helpful.
Until next time,
Frances Mulligan, a 7-foot tall lizard who dwells in a tastefully decorated underground tunnel in Hampstead, is a periodic contributor to Hoaxtead Research.