For God’s sake, no one tell Charlotte!

This just in: the alien reptile problem is much bigger than any of us thought!

According to that bastion of journalistic truth and integrity, The Mirror, alien reptiles have been abducting earthling women and taking them to the dark side of the moon, where they use them as combination sex slaves/heavy labourers!

At least, that’s what a woman named Niara Terela Isley is claiming:

A former US Air Force worker has claimed she was abducted by reptile aliens who raped her on the moon countless times.

Niara Terela Isley, who worked as a radar tracking officer, said she was snatched by a “humanoid with a tail” and taken to a secret base on the far side of the moon.

While there, she said she was made to have sex with aliens and lift boxes.

Shocking we know, but that’s her story, and she’s sticking to it.

This does raise a question or two, though: for example while we can see the sex part (since alien reptile people probably strike out with women a fair percentage of the time, due to their scaliness and, well, tails), why was Ms Isley forced to lift boxes? Has alien technology not progressed as far as the fork-lift?

She claimed security guards raped her in front of an audience after she was jabbed in the neck with a mystery drug while in an underground lair.

My goodness! Rapes…in front of audiences…while drugged…in hidden lairs. It all sounds horrifyingly familiar (except for the box-lifting part, which still puzzles us).

Coincidence? We think not!

Charlotte Ward Alton, shield your eyes!

Oh, wait, stop the presses…looks like Ms Isley has commented on this story:

Alien reptilian sex slave-MirrorSo…this was really just a bid to sell her woo-filled book? How disappointing.

Still, it does solve the whole box-lifting issue.


17 thoughts on “For God’s sake, no one tell Charlotte!

  1. If you too would like to write a bestselling autobiography, but can’t think of interesting to put in it, why not contact to the Lawrence Pazder Hypnotherapy Clinic? We have dozens of trained therapists just itching to fill your head with the sort of nonsense that will titillate the masses. As a special, at no extra fee, we can include something libelous about the family member/celebrity of your choice.

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  2. Very true El Coyote, Frances would certainly not approve of rape and forced labour. If any alien reptiles were to make such advances on the lovely Frances then they would have to get through me first

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Miss Angie’s,
      Frances thanks you from the top of her 5-valved heart for your valiant declaration of protecting her against evil alien reptiles.
      Luckily, alien reptiles are a nice, as young people say, bunch, believing in hard work, vegetarianism, martinis before supper, and early bedtimes.
      Frances appreciates your offer. It is always good to have, how does one say, back-up.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. At least lifting boxes should be easier on the moon than here on Earth…always look on the bright side….or in this case, the DARK SIDE!

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  4. Frances has come to this story a little late in the day, but once she heard Miss Isley was involved, she dashed home as quickly as possible, to read what Miss Isley had to report.

    Frances is much dismayed, dear Mr El.

    You see, at one point in Frances’ illustrious and sensual life, she tried to enter the country of the United States of America. Sadly, the immigration officials took one look at her skin(green, full of scales, and stunningly original) and stamped ‘Illegal Alien’ on her passport. Frances took the Mayflower home, and even after all these years, has never forgotten the experience.

    It turns out that the nefarious Miss Isley was behind the whole scheme.

    You see, Frances has a dear brother, Oswald. He had been known to break hearts and door frames in those days, and obviously Miss Isley’s was one of them. Her heart, that is. Frances has no idea about the state of Miss I’s door.

    Frances has had a quick word with Oswald, who does remember working with a United States of America citizen at some point in his life. He recalls asking her to move boxes from one room to another, just to keep her occupied.

    Aside from this, he promises he knows nothing of her, aside from her desire for him to ‘fly me to the moon, baby’. He felt this an unusual request, given the moon is cold and drafty, so he just asked her to lift another box, hoping she’d forget about his magnetic eyes, smoothed-down ears, and stunningly white teeth, filed to an attractive point.

    It is obvious she has been unable to let go, and is inventing this bizarre story, to, as young people say, exact her revenge upon dear, dear Oswald.

    It is equally obvious that Frances and family shall have to renew their restraining order against Miss Isley. She has caused grief for many years now, and it simply must not continue.

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  5. “While there, she said she was made to have sex with aliens and lift boxes.”

    I hope she has been on the Manual Handling course.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The Met would probably investigate her case. This is just the kind of nonsensical sex crimes case they like investing millions of dollars and dozens of officers in, and a history of lunacy, criminality, hoax perpetration, or false accusations is no grounds not to rocket to the moon to interview the perps. “Investigate the crime, not the victim!” And if they won’t take it, “Doc” Watson would happily force them to, on behalf of all the abused children that she is not one of.

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