What’s life like in prison?

Here at Hoaxtead Research we have a very active in-box. We receive multiple tips, messages of support, and questions each day. Our readers’ support and participation are important to us, and we value each email we receive. Lately, the topic of custodial sentencing seems to be much on people’s minds, and we’ve had several queries along the lines of “What is prison really like?”

We have no personal experience of the matter, but we’ve done a bit of research and asking around; here’s what we found. Obviously, this is nowhere near a comprehensive description of life behind bars, but we hope it answers some of your burning questions.

Try to avoid being sentenced on a Friday

Once a person is declared guilty in court, they are taken straight to the cells below, and eventually sent to their first prison. If they’re sent to prison on a weekend, they’ll find nothing out until Monday, and any disorganisation or delays in the prison will be magnified, at a time when they’re just trying to fit in.

Nothing will go according to plan

One of the first things we heard from professionals who work within the prison system is that no matter what an inmate might be told (say, about how long it will be before they can make a phone call, or when they will be moved from one place to another), the time-frames given will be completely unreliable. According to one source, the best plan is to try to have no expectations about when things will occur, no matter what the ‘official policy’ is in any given institution.

Of course, this is harder for some people to adjust to than for others.

According to the website First Time in Prison:

The main reason for all this uncertainty and things not going as planned is that these institutions are large, complex, funded at the margins, and dealing with a variety of difficult to manage people. They will therefore struggle to run themselves well, which can manifest itself as everything running slightly inefficiently, or one or two things running completely hopelessly while the rest is ok. This will be intensely frustrating, especially as you will feel that whatever they are hopeless at is having a material effect on your life.

Buying things in prison

Prisoners can buy certain goods via a system called ‘canteen’. This includes things like phone credit, stamps, writing paper, chocolate bars, biscuits, cereal, some tinned stuff, some fruit, toiletries. Each prisoner receives an order sheet on the same day each week, and prisoners may spend a maximum of £15 per week on these goods. Delivery is by DHL, and the system isn’t perfect; some weeks, orders may be incomplete or may fail to arrive altogether.

Trading can be tricky

The people at First Time in Prison have this to say about trading purchased goods:

Do your best not to start trading (especially when you’re still figuring it all out) and don’t feel you have to give someone something (cereal, whatever) just because they ask – there are hundreds of scabs who just try it on and they are used to being told no (all the time), just do it nicely…

Safer in a cell

Many first-time prisoners say the only times when they felt truly safe during the early days of their sentences was when they were locked in their own cells. Even those who’ve been inside for a long time say that time spent ‘behind your door’ tends to pass most quickly in prison, as this is the only time one can really relax.

What’s the food really like?

Contrary to popular belief, gruel, bread, and water do not comprise the standard prison diet these days. However, the website British Prison Cuisine Today notes that “in the UK, a prison catering manager has about £1.87 ($4) to provide food for each inmate every day”. That’s the bad news. The better news is that “special diets are catered for now…Muslim, kosher, Caribbean, diabetic and other medical diets are also provided”. Vegetarian and vegan diets are also accommodated.

Alex Cavendish’s blog, Prison UK: An Insider’s View, states:

According to the prison rules, all prisoners are supposed to receive three meals a day, of which at least one must include the option of hot food. Most nicks have abandoned any pretence of serving breakfast as a specific timetabled meal. Instead, cons get issued with what is very grandly called a ‘breakfast pack’. 
These are pretty much standardised across the prison estate and consist of a clear plastic bag containing four loose tea bags, four small sugar sachets, four packets of whitener and a tiny bag of cereal, muesli or porridge oats. Most closed nicks also provide a 0.25 l carton of semi-skimmed milk, although if you’re unlucky the porridge oats will have had a sachet of whitener put in it already and then you don’t get any milk….
The midday meal in most prisons now consists of a pre-ordered sandwich or ‘baguette’ (no relation to the tasty French bread of the same name), sometimes with soup as an additional offering, but often not….
Tea (served around 5.30 pm in many nicks) is usually the main meal of the day, although at weekends some nicks serve the sandwich in the afternoon, with the lunchtime offering being cooked. In theory, this is supposed to be hot food, although salad options are often available. These meals range from pretty good, to truly inedible. Often the catch is inconsistency. One week, the shepherd’s pie will be very good, the following week it will taste as if one of the shepherds has contributed his oldest pair of sweaty socks to the ingredients. You could liken it to playing culinary Russian roulette.
Actually, we’d highly recommend Alex’s blog as a source of information on prison life in general. It’s an excellent place to find useful information for those who might face being sent to prison, written by someone who until 2014 was “a serving prisoner who had a lot of experience as an Insider, a prisoner who has the job of supporting and advising other prisoners, particularly those who are new to the prison system”.

107 thoughts on “What’s life like in prison?

  1. Sabine has been a frequent visitor to prison and has often written complaining about the conditions for people she is “helping”

    For example, the image below is from one of her blogs (She also talks in that post about YET ANOTHER one of the numerous injunctions that she has been served) The common denominator in all of those injunctions was her thinking she had a right to publish whatever she liked – irrespective of what damage they might do to innocent parties (such as children)

    At least Sabine (after her numerous visits to prisoners) will have a good idea of what a person might expect in Prison – she has often written, talking of poor conditions.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. And speaking of prison…looky what I found! The Black Hebrew supremacist child abuse cult…


    “Nine children ages 8 and under were abused by their father, Peter Lucas Moses Jr., and his three wives Vania Rae Sisk (second from left), Lavada Quinzetta Harris (far right), and Larhonda Renee Smith (second from right). Four of the children were Sisk’s and five were Harris’. The children were homeschooled and home-churched in the cult-like Black Hebrews church.
    In October 2010, Moses murdered Sisk’s 4-year-old son Jadon Higganbothan—the only one of the children who was not biologically his. In December 2010, Moses ordered Sisk to murder Antoinetta Yvonne McKoy, another of his wives, because she could not have children. In February 2011, another of Moses’ wives (who was not publicly identified) escaped and reported the murders to the police. She also reported witnessing “horrific” abuse of the children. Moses and his family immediately fled the state to Colorado Springs, Colorado, where Teller County social services found them and removed the children February 23”.

    more detailed info here:

    Now, I don’t mean to imply that any ‘refugees’ from this cult might have fled to the UK to avoid prosecution, or anything like that…

    Here’s a very spooky video. It’s from the movie The Skeleton Key. The male voice is a character named Papa Justify, a practitioner of black magics. This is the spell he uses to transfer his spirit from his old, dying body into the body of a young boy – simultaneously trapping the boy’s spirit in his own. Pretty evil, right? But notice that Papa Justify is calling on “Lord” (Jehovah) to provide the power that enables this “conjure”. Traditional black magic practitioners didn’t call on Satan for such spells – Satan is just a cheap imitation of the real power – they go right to the source, to the top.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now there’s a thought…..

      Abe styled himself as “Papa Hemp” – I always thought this a really BIZARRE way for a potential step-father to want to be addressed. In the Irish/Eastern European culture ‘Papa’ is often substituted for ‘Grandpa’.

      But you’ve reminded me of these characters.


      Why would Abe Christie style himself in this way? Asking around Indo/Pak/African and Eastern European friends and colleagues ‘Papa’ (or something close) is generally ‘Grandfather’. But one or two people are pointing out that research for the movie wasn’t ‘baseless’ nor was the styling of the characters. the question then arises; why was Abe Christie styling himself after a particularly creepy character in a horror movie?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well…what I can say, is that a Black Hebrew Israelite supremacist is hosting some of the illegal kid’s vids on his channel and Abe’s propaganda in the comments under the name Ella Draper. They seem pretty tight, him & Abe. Pretty hypocritical for him to profess to be concerned about the kids, considering that movement’s history of extreme child abuse. They are virulently homophobic too, like Abe. Did you read any of the linked articles? Peter Lucas Moses executed the 4-year-old because he suspected the boy was gay?

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m not sure that I make the ‘I wish I was black’ connection particularly. I dare say Abe will latch-on to anyone who buys his bullshit and there are some creepy bastards around….. What I’m questioning is why Abe Christie styled himself along the lines of a ‘mystical potentate’ within a cult framework?

          I also note and highlight that his conspiritard followers, while quite happy to pick up and twist any little thing about others into ‘evidence’ of demonic alignment are quite quite content to apply the same sort of analysis to Christie.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Abe actually has said that he considers himself black—in fact, he thinks that’s why he’s targetted by the law. Not because he’s, you know, a serial child and woman beater, alleged attempted rapist, etc.


  3. With the turbocharged rate at which Angela is currently spewing out illegal comments and material, it won’t be long before she’ll be able to give an on-the-spot round-the-clock report of what life in prison is like. I wonder if she’ll be allowed Skype in her cell.

    Liked by 2 people

    • “…where Angie OWNS Ricky Dearman…”, says Angela, inexplicably talking about herself in the third person, with reference to a man who is not only completely innocent but also nothing whatosever to do with any of us at “Hoaxtead”, despite what she keeps randomly spewing. And despite the fact that she isn’t 10 years old. And despite the fact that rather than “OWN” anybody (as said 10-year-old might say, if s/he had learning difficulties), she actually made a complete and utter tit of herself (by getting all her facts wrong, repeating tired old illegal slander about RD and several other named individuals, issuing borderline death threats and…er…casting a spell on RD and others). She hass well as placed CCN on very shaky legal ground 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • On the matter of CCN’s legal ground, I had a quick chat with Ian Chambers this morning. He’s not sure on the position of the Dutch authorities but feels they will be similar to ours (subject to EU dictat etc.) and thinks Mel’s ‘station’ ought to be licensed and keeping to certain guidelines. As you point out Norman, the language and frames of reference used by Mel and her band of merry con-artists is quite childish; but then so is the whole setup! Ian pointed out that the UK there is a requirement to be a “fit and proper person” to hold a broadcasting licence. Personally, I think there is ample evidence that Mel isn’t!

        We might also question whether Mel has paid the £2500 application fee and £1000 (minimum) per year it costs to licence a linear broadcasting station – even via YouTube! Those are what Ian ‘thinks’ the UK figures are – can’t imagine ‘going Dutch’ is much different.

        Ian also tells me that there was until quite recently a ‘conspiracy theory’ channel available on satellite. It wasn’t on the ‘main’ Sky service, but one of these things tucked away where you need to fiddle with your sky box to get it OR have a generic receiver. He thinks that was shut down because of the poor-quality of the rubbish it was broadcasting. And by poor quality Ian means that what they were putting out were more or less amateur YouTube type videos. – They too had a ‘disclaimer’ apparently and it didn’t help their case when OFCOM came a knocking!

        I understand a few calls are to be made today when a spare moment can be found; purely be way of enquiry. The Dutch authorities are such nice people…..

        Tick Tock, wacht tot de knock Mel.

        Liked by 4 people

          • We think it’s a case of them having to notify the Commissariaat voor de Media (CvdM) rather than be licensed as they would be in the UK. But the impact of EU directives is such that they need to operate under similar terms and conditions. An enquiring email has been sent off; we’ll see what comes of it. – things are a tad fraught here just now, and for the rest of the months, as the Edinburgh Fringe starts today and its all hands to the pumps!

            Liked by 1 person

      • A strange form of ‘owning’ someone. She basically told lies about RD at the same time as admitting to beating her kids and accusing her daughters father of being a paedophile. No wonder she supports Ella and Abraham.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Good capture HOH.
      That apartment looks a tad cramped,somewhat the size of yer average prison cell by all accounts.The windows only lacking bars and her attire a few decorative arrows and identity number She was no doubt perched on a makeshift slop bucket throughout this confessional given her chronic verbal diarrhea issues.
      The obligatory prison rat was a particularly nice touch by those who have arranged this pre incarceration familiarization facilty.
      The incessant hair flicking no doubt a passing gesture to her flowing locks prior to her imminent appointment with the barber for a #1 which she will inevitably be late for 😉

      Liked by 2 people

      • Thanks, Mik.

        She seems to be permanently stationed in Lanzarote now. Probably to avoid the Irish police investigation into her illegal charity scams. In fact, she said some time ago that she was going to move out there “because Lanzarote doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the UK or Ireland”. Several of us politely pointed out at the time that yes, it (Spain) does, and also that Lanzarote isn’t a country 😀

        And why the hell is my spellchecker underlining ‘Lanzarote’ and telling me it should be ‘Carotene’?

        Liked by 2 people

        • “And why the hell is my spellchecker underlining ‘Lanzarote’ and telling me it should be ‘Carotene’?”

          Because if you eat too many carrots you turn the same colour as a Lanzarote fugitive? My Spellchecker throws up “Olanzapine”. Which, upon looking it up turns out to be ‘an atypical antipsychotic, approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder’.

          I think the internet may be trying to tell Angie something.

          Liked by 2 people

    • Excellent work, HOH–love the use of cutlines. 🙂

      Re the whole horror movie curse thing, this is very reminiscent of what that nutbar Alan Wrightson said about Charlotte when he accused her of ‘psychically attacking’ him above his right temple. As one does.


    • 12 million pounds for that court case of Neelu’s and Sabine’s!

      Where did he get that figure from?

      Or does that include some daft lien that Neeelu has mentioned?

      Some people can’t do their Adding Up sums very well.


  4. Love the music.

    Shame about the face and the voice of the Witch.

    Someone has mentioned Angela was in Belinda’ Witches Coven.

    Verified by the Wicked Witch herself.

    She’s getting worse, I bet those Police in Wiltshire are laughing their heads off at her.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, FA 🙂

      Yes, I agree about the pain of having to endure that cackling witch’s smug, psychotic, gormless expressions. Be thankful for small mercies, though – I managed to partially obscure her face with a lot of the captions. I used captions with a background colour on them because the background in her cockroach-and rat-infested flat was too bright, rendering standard captions illegible. But it turns out to also have the added unexpected bonus of covering up the mad bint’s mouth!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I’d go for the Kosher food (or Halal), not because of my background but because it would have to be certified. But could you get vegetarian Kosher?

    As a side point but here is an example of where this wackiness and outright loonies are leading us to.

    In the Australian general election a cocky PM Malcolm Turnbull has had his majority reduced to just 1 seat and alarmingly his dream to decimate the independents in the upper house The Senate has backfired with an increase from 5 to 11 “independents” that include a hideous “shock jock” and 3 times convicted criminal and 4 “One Nation” loonies led by a racist Pauline Hanson that now includes : a Sovereign Citizen & Common Law advocate.
    Troofers all over the world will be celebrating with the election of their very first Common Law believer-I’m thinking Patrick Culinane here and Neelu of the Berry Clan. He’s denying it but you only have to see his letters to see he is a full on Woo Woo Advocate. Liens will surely follow.


    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh dear…what would possess people to vote for a loony like that? (Any of them, actually?) Protest voting is one thing, but that’s just plain dangerous.


  6. Blimey, in the unlikely event (nudge nudge, wink wink) that Neelu ends up inside, I hope those horrid cult-affiliated screws don’t feed her baby meat – she’s a vegetarian, you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bloody hell, Neelu has a boyfriend?!

    Well she’s saying she has on her fb page.

    Did he attend and support her at the trial of 11th July?

    Who is he?

    Jake Clarke?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Yes you are right HOH. They all become paranoid of each other and then like you said they end up ripping each other to shreds.

    Liked by 2 people

    • A lot of big egos in the truth movement that always seem to end up clashing. It’s partly why they do what they do anyway, to get attention and glory and get their egos stroked. That’s why it must tear Mel apart that CCN averages less than 10 viewers per show (and most of those are us taking the piss).

      Liked by 2 people

    • Hoaxstead Pondlife.

      Back in the day Plato a(round 400 BCish) spotted these very loons in his allegory “The ship of fools”.

      A sea faring vessel is hi jacked by its crew all of whom expect their turn to steer the vessel yet with no knowledge or willingless to learn the art of navigation or ability to agree a destination.They plunder the store of provisions becoming bloated and drunk.
      Anyone aboard questioning the mutiny or offering knowledge of piloting by the stars and wind is considered a traitor,insulted and thrown promptly overboard.The journey proceeds exactly as can be expected!

      The hoaxstead gob mob are just such a shower of vain glorious idiots,thieves and vagabonds..Their voyage is destined to hit the rocks of delusion somewhere off the coast of inevitability but not after much gnashing and ripping of flesh.

      Liked by 2 people

  9. I’m pretty sure that if it wasn’t for us watching Mel and Angies videos then the viewing figures would probably only be 1 or 2 people, perhaps not even that.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Perhaps Neelu has a desire to leave the NEW boyfriend for a while and to sample the prison cooking. My money for the new boyfriends identity is John Graham – a match made in heaven.

    Published lunchtime today…..

    After publishing these videos she must be very close to loosing her liberty

    Liked by 1 person

    • “I was actually one of the most booked models of 2007 and i was nominated for model of the year.”

      Yes, of course you were, Mel. Bless. And Angela is related to Gwen Stefani, Madonna, Walt Disney, Lady Diana, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Ringo Starr, Gandhi and the Tooth Fairy. And St. Paul’s is a Roman Catholic cathedral.

      Awww, they’re so sweet at that age, aren’t they. And,by ‘sweet’ I mean annoying.

      Liked by 1 person

      • At 1:21 in the Alfred Webre video, she openly admits that they called the station CCN in order to trick people into initially thinking it was CNN (something she’s recently been denying)!

        Liked by 2 people

        • At 2:11 in the same video:

          “Let’s face it, Alfred – if we get anywhere near as big as CNN, it’s game over, it’s mission accomplished, I’d say. the World would be a totally different place.”

          Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Sooo, how did that work out for yer, Mel? XD

          Liked by 2 people

          • She seems very concerned that we understand that she does not use self-tanner. I’m less interested in that than in the fact that she’s a lying, conniving, smarmy racist with the morals of a rabid hyena. But hey, no one’s perfect.


      • I thought Sabine was skint after having her benefits stopped.

        Obviously must have got them restored or as I suspected, she has other sources of income.

        Unbelievable that these people are donating to a 37 year old American who has no employment and is perfectly capable of getting paid work if he wanted to.

        The fools don’t even know the twonk.

        Why they don’t buy a cup of tea for the homeless instead is beyond me…

        I’ve absolutely totally no idea why they think Rupert will l be able to help them.

        But hey maybe that’s the going rate for a gigolo these days and they want a bit of his action.

        Rupert I predict will be able to achieve sweet f. all.

        Certainly no more than Kev of Kevin n Berry fame would be able to.

        Or Jake Clarke for that matter.

        I see Jake is trying to raise money for Kev Weaver/Wearechange/Justice to get to Scotland.

        I suspect Kev JUSTICE must be really jealous of Rupert getting all that cash to travel the World, when poor Kevin can’t afford to get to Scotland. Though I’m sure Kev could get a Megabus up North for a fiver if not less from London Victoria. He could hitch hike the rest, wear a vest or not showing off his muscular body and get a ride of a few nubile young men or ladies.

        Perhaps we will get a bit of infighting between Rupert, Kevin and Jake.

        I suppose the women are supporting Rupert because they prefer his not so subtle American twang in their ears, rather than the Sarf Londonish tones of Kev n Berry.

        These women have lost their frigging marbles, time to stick them in the Old people’s home or retire to God’s Waiting Room Eastbourne.

        Just unbeeeeeeeeelieeeeeeeeeeevable.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. The worst thing about prison isn’t really what some people might think. It isn’t about the food, mobile phones, internet, recreation etc…not even so much about being locked up for a short spell. Hey, some say it’s like Butlins in there, but that’s only the lags and those that don’t know any better. The worst thing is, the people you will have to live with. The first thing you will be asked by the other cons is ‘what are you in for and what did you get.
    Of course harassment and intimidation are perfectly acceptable crimes inside, mostly anything goes…believe it or not even rape, depending on the circumstance but give them one whiff of anything involving kids and they will have a go at you. I would imagine that if any time is dished out to any of the miscreants then will have to go on protection.
    Oh and talking about ‘Butlins’, some say ‘hey they even have pool tables and recreation facilities’, as if somehow they would get anywhere near a pool table lol…

    Liked by 1 person

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