Jacqui the Troll’s Imaginary Friends

Excellent insights from our socio-psychology adviser Physiatric Sally:

“How Jacqui invents her imaginary friends.

The best kind of friends for Jacqui are imaginary ones. Why? Because her imaginary friends always love to play with her, love to listen to her and never hurt her feelings. They are handsome, secret agents, neuroscientists with superpowers and analytical linguists. They do whatever she wants them to. Keep reading to find out how to get one just like Jacqui.

1
Get ideas. Ask your parents or other family members if they ever had an imaginary friend – Jacqui probably had many as a little child.

2
If you struggle trying to find one, do what Jacqui does, accuse innocent people of nasty crimes and then invent a story and include Video Man and a few idiotic imaginary friends. They can give you a personality and novel ideas. Also, think about what you’d want in a friend and then incorporate it! Just remember that they can be whatever you want. A human, a beast, a flying carpet, a spirit, a Satanist or a blood sucker – it doesn’t really matter. In Jacqui’s mind they are all of those, bless her.

3
Come up with names. They can be anything you want, from Ella to Abe or Agent A, B, C, or D… And since you’re essentially creating this person, you can be as frivolous as your heart desires. You might want to create a middle and last name for your friends too, to make him/her/it more realistic. You can even pretend they are writing to you and that you are very important.

4
Come up with special powers for these people. It’s what will make them fun. Give them flaws but make sure their personality will make them side with you almost all the time. However, don’t forget to make them different from you, because if they are exactly the same, it may get a bit boring. Most of Jacqui’s have superpowers and tell her lots of lovely things about tunnels, sniffer dogs, thermal imaging equipment, robes, blood and burgers.

5
Pretend to have a conversation. Pretend that they write to you or email you! This is important when making an imaginary friend. If you can’t talk to him or her, you essentially won’t be friends. An imaginary friend will never tell anyone your secrets or talk about you behind your back, so tell them anything. They will even keep secrets, such as who you really are when you are pretending to be someone else.

6
Figure out what they look like. Draw them, or just make a picture in your mind. If you have a computer or a YouTube account, you can create them on there. Or just use Google and butcher those pictures until they resemble the people you hear in your head, Jacqui.

7
Spend time developing your new friend. Blog every hour, on the hour. All just absolute tosh. Always refer to them, what they have sent to you, what they think, where they live… No imaginary friend is worthwhile without spending time with them. Do things you like to do with them. After all, it’s not like they’re going to say no, or tell you that you are completely bloody insane!

8
Have an adventure with your new friends/ Go somewhere exotic (real or otherwise). Somewhere you’ve never been. And share stories of your findings with each other. Especially churches and schools. Write an imaginary diary about all the wonderful places you’ve been. But most of all, keep blogging and blogging = perhaps your imaginary friends will give you ideas. It does not matter how wild and stupid they are, Jacqui – you can just blame silly claims onto your imaginary friends. They won’t tell on you.

9
Never neglect your imaginary friends. They should be allowed to be complex creatures like the rest of us! They could even be (in your head, Jacqui) real people, so you can write blogs and pretend it is them. Never put up any proof though, Jacqui, because imaginary friends cannot provide proof, so the crazier the better.

10
Remember that imaginary friends are people too! Treat them like you’d treat yourself or your own best friend. Not that you have any real friends – they cannot stand you. One “real” one has said that you are completely barmy and should be sectioned. So the imaginary ones will be the only best friends you have Jacqui Farmer. WHY? Because you are a disgusting individual, so real people stay well away from you.

And lastly, remember – if they don`t want to play, don`t make them. Just because you made them, you don’t get to boss them around. An imaginary friend can make a great character for a story you might be writing. You can even write a story about what you do together. Yes, write another book. You could draw a picture of them, scan it into a computer and use software to make them look more realistic. Then print it off and put it into a frame! You could put yourself in it as well. and put a picture of somewhere (e.g. Hampstead) in the background! Use your imagination, Jacqui. Oh, you do. LOL!!!”

Jacqui & friend, yesterday