Joining the dots: from slime to ‘plastic willies’

It’s an example of dot-joining gone terribly, horribly, comically wrong.

Yesterday one of our readers pointed out a YouTube comment by this genius, who has pulled out his crayons and drawn a wobbly line between “RD and his children sell a product called slime” and “didn’t he used to make ‘plastic willies’ in his garden shed?”“Seems like someone who knows a thing or two about plastics (polymers)”….which apparently the commenter does not.

What is slime, anyway?

Perhaps before inserting his foot in his mouth, Eric might have done better to go look up what “fluffy slime” is, and how it’s made. Let’s put it this way: knowledge of plastics / polymers really doesn’t enter into it.

A quick Google search revealed dozens of recipes for slime, which included ingredients like white school glue, shaving cream, liquid starch, cornstarch, washing-up liquid, food colouring, contact lens solution (no, we’re not kidding), and borax—though that last ingredient seems controversial amongst slime aficionados. 

Nary a plastic or polymer in sight, Eric, sorry.

Brace yourselves: it’s time we talked about sex toys

The sensitive amongst you should probably avert your eyes. We are now going to discuss “plastic willies” and the manufacture thereof.

Eric mentions that during one of the police interviews, the officer asked Child Q about the plastic willies:Child Q replied, “He buys them and he also makes them. He makes them in the shed. He melts the plastic and then makes them”.

Sorry, but this just doesn’t fly.

The problem of fumes

First, while it is definitely possible to melt plastic and pour it into moulds, melting plastic creates very nasty toxic fumes, and the amount of plastic which would be required to make a single solid plastic willy would probably create enough fumes to make anyone working with it quite ill.

Melting a large amount of plastic in an enclosed space such as a garden shed would be a recipe for disaster. Plus, even if the noxious fumes didn’t kill anyone, melting plastic has a very distinctive smell. Way to tip off the neighbours that you’re running a dildo factory out of your back shed!

Second, while some sex toys like cheap vibrators are encased in a hard plastic shell, actual cast-plastic would make a ridiculously heavy dildo. The resulting product would be cumbersome, and certainly wouldn’t work as intended when attached to a simple belt as Abe made the kids claim.

As for an element in a “crown of willies”, as Abraham and Ella had the children draw, we can imagine the willies clattering into one another in a most distracting way.

Imagine—each cast-plastic willy weighs about a pound, and you’ve got a bunch of them up there, clattering into each other and falling over. You’d be more likely to get a concussion than impress anyone with your extra-super-willy powers.

(As an aside, why do the middle person’s plastic willies all have little Viking hats on them? And why do the others look like they are wearing strap-on rolling pins?)

Maybe they meant silicone or latex?

Ah, but what if the children were confused, and the willies weren’t really made from plastic per se, but a more traditional dildo material such as silicone or latex? (Yes, we researched this. You’re welcome.)

Well, according to Alex Edwards in this fascinating article on how not to make silicone dildoes, creating anything, er, viable is a great deal more difficult than it seems. Frankly, the whole “he made them in the shed” claim is beginning to sound just a bit implausible.

And by the way, while we’re on this subject, the belts in that drawing look more like the sort of thing a cowboy would use to holster a gun, if the gun were shaped like a rolling pin, or a cucumber wearing a tiny Viking helmet, as the case may be. As willy-holders, they really don’t do the job at all…at least if the goal is to have the willy more or less perpendicular to the body.

This doesn’t really work at all, does it?

Why plastic willies in the first place?

And that brings us to another issue. In all the research we’ve done about paedophiles, we’ve yet to come across an instance where a person who is sexually abusing a child simply pokes them with an inanimate object and calls it a day. Wouldn’t a paedophile want to use, er, the real thing in order to achieve satisfaction?

So what made Abe and Ella decide to accuse the so-called cult members of using plastic willies in the first place?

Could it be, perhaps, because a great many of those they accused were women? Accusing them of using plastic willies to violate the children would have been a way to truly vilify the mothers and teachers whom Ella and Abe hated so much.

So…no, Eric, it doesn’t seem as though the false allegation that RD made plastic willies in his shed is even the tiniest bit relevant to the slime-making business he and his children have built together. Nice try, though, and thanks for the lulz.