In heat of battle, Belinda forgets to mention: Sabine’s solicitor has quit

Poor, poor Belinda. All she wanted to do was announce that the Powers That Be at Bronzefield Prison, where her friend Sabine is currently being held on remand, had not taken kindly to Sabine’s refusal to attend her own court hearing earlier this week.

It was a simple enough announcement, calculated to stir the blood of the faithful: the cruel prison overlords had taken away Sabine’s TV privileges—oh, the humanity!

Apparently we “shadow people” aren’t the only ones who have the honour of being referred to as “types” (Belinda’s word for “not quite human”). Now it seems that the prison is run by “types” who enjoy “INVERSION”—so let us guess, does that make them honourary Satanists too?

Rupert, who has had a small taste of life on the inside and is therefore a hardened cat (or possibly a fraggle), comments, “Oh she’s been put on Basic“. For those of us who’ve never experienced a prison sentence, that means “confined to cell with removal of privileges (television, books, etc.)”.

At first, things seemed to be going rather well. All was calm……until suddenly, it wasn’t:Trust the Gob of the North to stir things up. It’s her speciality, after all.

Almaz has moved on

But we have important news for her: the solicitor she so roundly abused during Sabine’s early attempts to avoid remand in custody is no longer hers to kick around. Noam Almaz has left the building, Tracey.

He is off the case. Gone-zo.

In fact, he accepted a new position with another firm about two months ago: Best of luck to Mr Almaz, who really gave it his all as Rupert’s solicitor, and seems to have done his best for Sabine as well.

Why so tight-lipped, Belinda?

We confess we’re shocked that Belinda would not have relayed this crucial bit of info to her loyal fans, as it would probably have averted the following shitshow:Yes, it was a mother-son tag team event, Aaron and Tracey Morris versus Rupert “Badass” Quaintance. Honestly, it was hard to know which side to cheer for, so instead we settled for gaping in amusement amazement as the insults flew fast and furious: Belinda broke in at one point to reassure the combatants that she loved them all.

She ought to have known that that wouldn’t stop Old Blabbergob, who managed to commit contempt of court five times in the space of a single comment:Someone named Paul Wright tried to object to the pagga, but Tracey was on a roll and would not be deterred:Staunch Belinda loyalist Kellie Cottam broke in for a moment, and it seemed there might be a lull in hostilities, but Tracey had her sleeves rolled up and fists at the ready for her, too:…aaaaaand that’s Ms Cottam out of action. Stretcher!

Belinda tried again to smooth the troubled waters, calling for collective action (of what kind, we’re not sure), but Tracey was having none of it. One more shot against the now non-existent legal team’s bow…

Excuse us for a moment, we must take some time to recover from the idea that Tracey has “no time for control freaks as you well know”. Ahem.

Belinda ends this round with a rather weak defence, admitting that she “wasn’t much help” in convincing Sabine to sack her solicitor in favour of Tracey’s cunning plan, and she hadn’t wanted to press Tracey and Linda to make a return visit…Completely understandable, Belinda. There’s only so much of Tracey a person can tolerate, as we’re certain Gerry Adams will attest. We hear it took him months to recover from the trauma of being chased round Tracey’s front garden….

All in all a most satisfactory pagga, and we cannot wait to hear how Belinda justifies her failure to inform the troops that Sabine hasn’t had a solicitor since May. That ought to be popcorn-worthy….

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Late-breaking update:

Will Belinda let Tracey take over Sabine’s legal case? What is Baldrick’s…er, Tracey’s cunning plan to get Sabine out on bail? Tune in for the next thrilling episode of As the Heads Spin….