These days, we’re much more likely to see troofers dropping out of the Hoaxtead mob than signing on, but a few days ago we noted a new arrival, Cassie Crowhurst. She aspires to be a cross between a “mummy vlogger” and a full-bore troofer, and she’s been spouting the usual bollocks as dictated in the Big Book of Troofer Beliefs.
We have to admit we’re torn between horror and amusement on this one: honestly, if she’s the best the other side can do, we’re laughing. Literally.
Cassie’s main claim to fame seems to be her utterly inane live-streamed videos: Roger Flutterby was kind enough to let us share this sample of this lady’s astonishing talents, in her audition for The HoaX Factor™:
“There’s another guy, they’ve taken my video of me singing–well, my video where I talk and I break out into sing-song–
they’re trolling me. They’re trolling. They’ve put, like, some kind of Cassie audition tape.
Whateverrr! Whateverrr!… So check that one out – “Cassie Crowhurst Audition Tapes [sic]”.
It’s expected. Is it not?”
What the critics say
Cassie’s efforts have met with some mixed reviews.
Scarlet Scoop noted that Cassie has become the new darling of the fruitloop set:
…Speaking of dishonest people, I’d just like to let people know I’ve started an evidence folder on that awful Cassie Crowhurst woman:
Definitely someone to keep an eye on, I reckon. She’s presenting the Hampstead allegations as fact, sharing Kane Slater’s revolting posts, defaming people and illegally showing the children’s names, photos and videos.
Even more bizarrely, she’s still stating categorically that the children were “pimped out” in that Superbowl commercial. Even Defective Costa gave up on that one 8 months ago and even Ella, whom Cassie claims to support, declared that it was all bollocks.
None of which has prevented Kris the Desperate from heavily promoting Cassie on her Facebook page, of course. Ditto Angela, Jake Clarke and others.
Meanwhile, Fnord had this to say:
Cassie Crowhurst. Oh dear. Been watching some of her YouTube videos. She should get an award for the number of words she mispronounces, including ‘oath’ (oaf), ‘Lancet’ (Lanclet) and ‘conscript’ (concepts). It got on my nerves!
Why do so many troofers struggle with basic English? …
She’ll have her moment in the sun and like Danielle LeVerité will eventually run out of things to say, because the vessel is, after all, rather empty.
I haven’t come across a background in marketing but Cassie Crowhurst (nee Bannister) does apparently have some history of organising ‘events’. She’ll never match Danielle though, who managed to get married on morning TV. I don’t think they televised the divorce.
Cassie’s videos had me in stitches last night. In one video she repeatedly encourages people to stop conforming. Now let me get this straight. The woman who got married in white, changed her name to her husband’s, had 2.5 (sorry three) children, obviously likes popular music and posts lots of semi-sexy selfies is telling the rest of us not to be conformist! I’ve actually never seen anyone ‘conform’ so much as Cassie, in fact, dare I say, she’s almost a stereotype! (Kent is near Essex isn’t it?)
The Cunning Linguist has begun to assemble a catalogue of Cassie’s mispronunciations and malapropisms:
“You’ve got a 98% of dying.”
“Smooth FM is sponsored by Cancer Reshirt.”
“They had to give her antibotics.”
“It was catastrotic.”
“They had to aminister it.”
“You can’t harry love”
“Imagine if we all got together and conjugated outside the council building”
“We need to shove all those stick bastards back through our tunnel” [Ouch!—Ed.]
“God is our crater….We all have a crater…”
Eliza D. Little was a bit kinder in her review:
That was absolutely gas. I do think she has the x-factor….that certain elusive quality called ‘delusion’. Cassie is my favourite to win!
Someone needs to teach her what macrocosm and microcosm means and the difference between the two à la Father Ted teaching Dougal the concept of near and far.
Spiny Norman was less than impressed:
Oh great, now she thinks Neil Diamond is David Essex
This is turning into a real experience. I’m surprised surviving a Cassie video isn’t on my bucket list. …
She says that this “government-run website” has labelled her a conspiracy theorist. LOL
Well, we’ve labelled her a fruitloop and a buffoon but have we actually used the word ‘conspiracy theorist’?
Mind you, if the cap fits…
Ghost of Sam had a few acerbic words for our would-be video superstar:
I never get past the opening section as her “cheery” greeting is so bloody annoying I could reach through the internet and slap her face.
What on earth possess a person who is not just an A1 Bore but an arrogant guffawing one that makes her think she is so fascinating she should make a video of herself walking down the street?
As for those who comment on her claptrap—they all sound either possessed or just stark raving bonkers.
And Shillelagh pointed out a few, well, inconsistencies in Cassie’s act:
She said the other day she spends a lot of time in Tesco.
Tesco started by the Jewish grocer, Sir Jack Cohen. (Great business idea Jack, but not the sort of place I frequent. To each his own.)
Tesco is now one of BIG supermarkets and makes big profits. I avoid the supermarkets like the plague unless I’m desperate. Support your local small businesses folks! (I just had to get that in.)
Anyway, this is the woman who wants us all to stop conforming and as was mentioned the other day she manages this by:
- Having a conventional wedding with a big white dress
- Taking her husband’s name when she married him. (Why DO women do this?)
- Mortgage (she mentioned this)
- Taking lots of selfies wearing clothes that were probably made in sweat shops in China
- Sending her kids to what she thinks are indoctrination centres
And here’s me, a Government paid agent (ha!) sitting in front of my woodstove, burning wood I cut myself, eating veggies I grew myself, wearing clothes from my local charity shop and without a TV. And I’m the sort she’d call a ‘sheep’. But hey she’s the unconventional one and I’ve been mind-controlled.
Funny innit. I said it’s funny. Innit funny. Did I say it was Funny? Funny.
Cassie’s Claims to Fame
- Believes the films “They Live” and “The Matrix” are documentaries.
- Happily trots her child off to an “Indoctrination Centre” each morning.
- Knows the name of our blog but is unable to Google us. Despite the fact that that nice Mr Vark supplied her with the link several days ago.
- Never met a push-up bra she didn’t like.
- Owns a selfie stick and not afraid to use it. And use it. And use it.
- Believes Hampstead schoolchildren are routinely forced to eat babies.
- Believes this blog is run by the government.
- Thinks Michael Jackson is living in an underground bunker on a secret island somewhere.
- Thinks David Essex wrote every song ever.
- Refers to milk as “cow pus”.
- Owns an actual tin-foil hat.
- Has a friend who believes there is a difference between tin-foil and aluminium.
- Has said, completely unironically, “I’m not some nut job, am I? And I don’t sound stupid when I talk, do I?” [Erm, yes, Cassie. You are, and you do.—Ed.]
- Thinks that this machine, posted on satirical site The Onion, is a real thing.
- Believes that a number of different types of human species were “crated” and we picked out the ones we wanted to keep.
- Thinks the whole world used to speak just one language. [And then they built the Eiffel Tower or summat…—Ed.]
- Has said, and we quote: “This is why I come on and empower you people, because we’re living in a dark, dark, satanical, evil World and I truly feel—I truly feel—we live in Hell.” Because it’s so very empowering to tell people they live in Hell. Gives them a real sense of self-agency, innit?
- Another Cassie Quote to Live By: “The masses are unaware and they’re so heavily indoctrinated. They’re so heavily fluoride. Why d’you think they put fluoride in the concentration camps?”
- “This problem is around the World. It’s edemic.” Not “emetic”? Are you certain about that, Cassie?
- “Who is the Antichrist? Isn’t the Antichrist the people that don’t believe in Jesus Christ?”
- “This is what they’re gonna do. They’re gonna create homosexuality, then they’re gonna take away your property rights.”
Mrs Malaprop, eat your heart out.
The really sad bit
But the most tragic thing of all? The fact which sets Cassie aside from all the other troofers crowding the internet? Brace yourselves, tissues at the ready…
As little as one year ago, Cassie Crowhurst was a perfectly nice, normal person who wanted to help children living in poverty, and didn’t seem to feel the need to make a complete idiot of herself doing so. Truly, it is to weep.