Our intrepid film reviewer had his hands full yesterday, with new releases emerging from Angela Fag Ash Disney, Arfur the Barbarian, and a newcomer to the Hoaxtead scene, Jimmy “Gryffindor Forever!” DracoSlapper. To be honest, we had to bribe our reviewer with extra buttery topping on his popcorn, but he did manage to sit through the lot…albeit not without a great deal of moaning.
Let’s start with Angie, whose latest offering, Chasing Rainbows Episode 8,459,314 started with a promising intro: Not only was Angie going to give us the real low-down on what happened between her and Mel Ve of CCN, but she announced she’d be commenting on the situation of a certain American of her acquaintance. Tantalising stuff indeed! First, though, Angie offered to clear up the remaining questions asked of her by someone called “The Inquisitor”, who she suggested might be someone who does not have her best interests at heart. Ya think?
This film has a few highlights—Angie stating her support for the deranged psychopath Aaron Dover, despite his threat to set her on fire, for example. And the drunken song she mumbles halfway through…low comedy, but comedy nonetheless. And then there’s the point where she accuses Canadian fraudster Kevin Annett of rape.
Even that, though, isn’t enough to salvage this low-energy clunker. The video never comes close to delivering on its initial promises: there’s not a word about CCN, nor about any mysterious Americans who might have travelled to the UK at Angie’s behest.
Our reviewer gave this one two thumbs down and a single rotten tomato. He reported that it scored 28—close to the maximum—on our patented Yawn-O-Meter™.
Next up: Arfur the Barbarian with a new variation on a theme that’s growing very old very fast: *KNOCK* *FKN* *KNOCK* *+hoax£EATH*.
“This fine example of experimental film was literally painful to watch,” our reviewer reported. “And I kept thinking of things I really ought to be doing around the house…but Mr Arfur’s dedication to his craft shines through, and his longing for the giant hedgehog called Spiny Norman is almost palpable. Despite Mr Arfur’s hard-man act, one really cannot help but feel for him. He clearly adores Spiny Norman, and speaks in great and loving detail about what he’ll do when they are reunited. Even though some of the sexual acts he describes really have no place in a family-rated production, I felt I should give this one an A for ‘Effort'”.
One thumb up, half a rotten tomato, and a relatively low score of 15 on the Yawn-O-Meter™. Best enjoyed with the alcoholic beverage of your choice, which you may wish to quaff each time Mr Arfur shouts, “KNOCK KNOCK!”
Finally, the new kid on the block, and by “kid” we mean “thinks Harry Potter was a documentary”: Jimmy “Gryffindor Forever!” DracoSlapper’s first Hoaxtead effort is worth a look, if only for the hilarity factor. The moment when you realise that he actually believes that Danielle LaVerité is in fact RD…well, let’s just say the popcorn went flying, and our reviewer still hasn’t recovered. (We were unable to link this video, as it contains defamatory material, but don’t worry, you’re not missing much.)
“It’s light, fluffy, and as terrible for your teeth as spun sugar. This one isn’t really salvaged from utter mediocrity by its thoroughly deranged premise”, writes our reviewer. “Someone ought to send a copy to Miss LaVerité, who just might be persuaded to revive her old ‘Top Tosser of the Week’ skit in its honour”. That said, our reviewer admitted that he skimmed through the video at double speed. We recommend you give it the same treatment, if you bother to watch at all.
Two thumbs down, five rotten tomatoes, and the Yawn-O-Meter™ burst into flames in protest.
p.s. It has come to our attention that Rupert Quaintance has been participating in interviews with a number of U.S.-based video makers. We will not be publishing these videos, and we would ask our readers to please refrain from commenting on them here, as we don’t wish to interfere with the course of justice and Rupert’s right to a fair trial. Thanks very much for your co-operation.