This started off as a post about Rupert, the peripatetic weed-addicted American blowhard who has been threatening to come to Hampstead to hang out in pubs, kick down doors, rape children, and force non-existent cult members to ‘squeal’. But really, does anyone care about him any longer?
We’ve watched him get stoned in Rome, get wasted in Amsterdam, get wasted in Amsterdam some more, try to sneak into Angie’s Lanzarote hideaway during one of her interminable broadcasts, and try to pretend he wasn’t in the same room whilst she interviewed him online (okay, that was pretty funny actually). Will he ever actually make good on his promise to come to London?
We are starting to have our doubts.
We have noticed, though, that Kevin BeansForBrains has been making overtures—manly, bruv-like overtures, we hasten to add—in Rupert’s direction:
We’re with you, Felicia. WTH?
Our dear friend Frances Mulligan happens to be something of an expert in Kev-Speak, so we asked her to translate this strange missive for us:
Frances took time out of her busy schedule today to help Rupert fully comprehend the following statement, left on his wall today by his good friend, Kevin Justice.
Firstly, here is the letter, unfettered by correct grammar, punctuation or intellectual prowess:
Yep you got the action man right you best believe it what I don’t understand Gabriella barney is why you’re against protecting children you fucking loser.Like I said when you’re ready come meet me and we can settle it there and then but I forgot you’re a scared little pussy that just talks blah blah blah you’re boringgggg.lets arrange to meet and wear a dunce cap on your small brainless fucking head 😂😂😂 so you stand out and easy for me to 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻please let’s do this as you’re no women or you wouldn’t of arranged to meet me anytime any place yeah right you’re just full of fucking shit you waste of a life pedo filth.I protect children and have never said anything to you about who was responsible for the case but we all know don’t we some pedo filth that are you’re best friends that’s why you hide don’t see me hiding nooo I’m everywhere all the time why don’t you come to one of my Mma classes and I’ll show you a real action man not a plastic one like yourself anyway you’re stupid boring and filthy scum so please go and get help with you’re sickness you’re not well in the head.Anyway Like I said get a life you lowlife c*nt or come and meet me you choose where you can bring some people and I’ll bring some proper people that don’t play fight but we can teach you some different skills 👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻😄
And now, after many Martinis and back rubs from Manuel, her cabana boy, the translation:
Yes, Rupert, you are a man of action, but I don’t understand why ____ is against children losing toys. As I had posited earlier, you have an open invitation to meet me and please don’t forget your kitten this time! I enjoy your kitten, it is very lively. Let us meet and please, do not forget to wear a chapeau, as your head might get a chill without covering to protect it. Shall we fist-pump and show one another our biceps now?
Women usually do not arrange to meet me, mostly due to my problems with diarrhoea. Human waste can be so messy.
I believe it is a fact that everyone has friends, and a good place to find them is in a nearby Mummy class. If one has worries or feels unwell, help is at hand
As I stated earlier, come meet me and do bring your friends! I shall bring some as well, and together, we can learn a new skill, such as macrame or underwater basket-weaving. Jazz hands!
I’m sure Rupert appreciates Frances’ hard work, although she does note, with a certain amount of sadness, he never sees fit to thank her for her efforts.
Never mind, Frances, we appreciate your amazing linguistic skills even if Rupert doesn’t.
Now that we understand what Kevin was trying to say—essentially, in his awkwardly semi-literate way, he was extending the warm hand of friendship to his new bruv—we’re sure Rupert will feel much less apprehensive about his trip to London.
After all, everyone needs a friend, right?