Why Rupert just can’t get no respect

So Rupert may or may not be in the UK at the moment—hard to say, as he seems to have finally realised that he’s likely to receive a less-than-rapturous reception when he makes himself known in Hampstead.

He does seem to be taking this rather personally: That’s so sad. Really, Rupert, we feel for you, really we do. You must feel so unloved…and yet, dear, you do seem to bring it on yourself.

You see, Rupert, here’s the thing: you can be a real asshat at times. Well, okay, fairly often. Fine, let’s be honest: the vast majority of the time you act like a complete dingleberry.

There. We said it.

Don’t believe us? Well, here are just a few examples.

Let’s call them…Rupert’s Greatest Misses.

 British cops are no match for the stupendous Rupert

Rupert: If they don’t have guns they’re gonna have a hard f*cking time arresting me.

Angie: Yeah that’s the right attitude. We need to not be scared.

Rupert: I’ve seen these British dudes trying to fucking arrest people. I’ll fucking box their fucking ears. I’m small but I’m scrappy and I don’t go down easy. You can’t f*ck with me. YOU CAN’T F*CK WITH ME.

Angie: That’s the attitude we need.

Rupert: I’m ready to die. I’ll do it….Y’all can f*cking slit my f*cking throat. Go ahead. You can only do it once. You better jack off while you’re doing it too mother f*cker. I wanna see it.

Erm…beg pardon? What an odd thing to say!

As they say in Rupert’s part of the world, “kinda a dick move, bro”. (Our interpreters assure us that he will understand what this means.)

Rupert thinks he’s He-Man

Be sure not to miss 34:01 in this video, as Rupert demonstrates his awesome muscles. More like knots on cotton, but hey, he’s proud of them, so try to be polite. (Psst: we’re pretty sure the British police don’t have a lot to be concerned about.)

Let’s talk about sex with children

Rupert: You know what. Y’all do it so much you kinda make me want to try it out. There’s something to this. And then once I say something like that everybody’s like…

Angie: [cringes]

Rupert: Yeah…see what you just did…how you reacted?

We hate to say it, Roopie ol’ buddy ol’ pal, but on this one we’re with Angie. That was a seriously cringe-worthy moment, and for some reason you didn’t even seem to notice. D’you see what we’re saying here?

Rupert stars in his own blockbuster

“This sounds like Indiana Jones and the mother-f*cking Temple of Doom. Jesus Christ! This is what I want. I want the hat and the whip. You’re going to play the blonde and we’re going go and we’re gonna swing around….” [trails off]

Rupert cares, he really does

“I don’t give a f*ck about some British kids to be honest, like f*ck it, we’ve got our own problems here”.

Rupert fails geography class

Angie says she’s in Ireland.

Rupert: Is Ireland connected to…ain’t y’all stuck together?…that’s an island…that’s an island…Scotland…[mumble]….[something about a leprechaun][no, we’re not joking][we wish we were].

Rupert has just a few tiny family issues

“When I actually got knives out, like that basically it’s not pretty. My parents are scared to death of me”.

“I have this problem with being taken seriously by my family. They just seem to pity me more than…you know…you got the one kid with the mind-control programming who got the awesome like famous job now and what am I some f*cking asshole in some f*cking basement”.

“I’m awake!” [while looking stoned and about to fall asleep]

“My mother abused me because my grandmother wanted me to be successful. I should shoot myself in the head in front of her”.

Oh, don’t do that, Roopie. She might stop sticking up for you every time someone disses you on Facebook. Like this:

Uh, Roopie? We think we might have isolated your problem….