Dear Angie: Time to get a job

Just when we were beginning to think it was safe to go back on YouTube, we discover that Angela Fag-Ash Disney has put up another of her rambling, self-indulgent videos. Oh bliss, oh joy.

This one starts off with Angie talking about her days: her modelling days, her acting days, her living the high life in the fast lane days, her ballet days, her glory days….

We’re surprised she doesn’t mention her Good Will Hunting days, her getting pregnant by a paedophile days, her getting the boot from the United States days, her charity scamming days…but we suppose there’s only so much room in a 15-minute fund-raising video.

Oh, did we not mention that? Yes, that’s what this one’s all about. Fundraising.

Sure, it starts with a rambling monologue about body dysmorphia, which takes a brief detour into how the “paid trolls at Hoaxtead” always pick the worst possible images of her. (Hint: we don’t actually care what Angie looks like. As our mothers always said to us, “Handsome is as handsome does”.) (Also, “paid trolls”? We thought we were all RD. Please make up your mind, Angie.)

But Angie doesn’t take too long to get to the point: she needs money, and lots of it, if she is to achieve her dreams.

Sure, she’s had thousands of dollars donated to her GoFundMe (by herself and her sons, but who’s counting besides us?), but now things are getting really bad.

You see, there’s this woman whom Angie can’t show us because tech thing yadda yadda, but she’s really really really in need and she knows lots of things about MK Ultra and programming and Satanic stuff but she cannot tell us until we cross her palm with silver. But it’ll be really big. Really big.

Well, technically Angie could cough up the cash, but then she’d have nothing left of the loan she took out from the credit union…er, we mean her sister’s inheritance. So really, if we could all find it in our hearts to fork over as much as we can, this anonymous woman will not be forced into prostitution and/or homelessness, and if she is it will be all our fault.

Do you feel guilty yet?

Nah, neither do we.

We do have a few questions for Angie, though.

1. If Angie has no money, how is she able to go swanning off to Lanzarote every five minutes?
2. If Angie’s sons are students, how are they able to afford to drop hundreds of euros into Mummy’s GoFundMe?
3. Why does Angie not just get a job like any other normal person?

In fact, we took a look at this jobs board for Meath, and right at the top we noticed a couple of possibilities: All right, probably not joinery, as that would require skill and certificates and so on, as well as the common sense not to cut her own fingers off.

But bar staff? This is totally up Angie’s street, don’t you think? We can see her behind a bar, dispensing ale and advice to the regulars, fag hanging out of her mouth…she’d be a natural!

Of course, it would require, you know, some work. It’s not like charity scamming, which one can do at all hours using only a computer and a modem. But it does carry one distinct advantage: it doesn’t (usually) involve getting arrested.

Seriously, Angie. Give it a thought, would you luv?