Charlotte’s final final statement (for real this time)

Looks like we’ve shaken up the cult, but good. The destruction-from-within of their Sooper Seekrit Facebook Group seems to have created a major ripple effect, to the point where the group’s erstwhile leader, ‘Jacob Farmer’/’Jacqui Farmer’/Charlotte Ward Alton has found it necessary to write not just one, but two ‘final statements’ (leading us to wonder if she grasps the idea of ‘final’).

You can always tell when Charlotte is rattled: her writing style, never particularly sophisticated to begin with, dumbs down even further: “I love Angie. Angie works with Jesus. She is a gorgeous person”.

Here’s the introduction to her First Final Statement, published yesterday morning on the Tap Blog:

So, stop worrying, everyone. Angie is deffo not disinfo. I’m sure this is a huge load off all our minds.

And Charlotte, being an excellent judge of character (coughAbecough), has decided to throw in her lot with He Who Shall Not Be Named, along with some woman named Fiona, even though HWSNBN effectively blew the lid off the Facebook group. Sounds like a perfectly rational decision to us.

We were going to show you screenshots of the rest of that post, but honestly, we just couldn’t justify inflicting Charlotte’s delusional ranting on you all. So instead, here’s what our plucky little ocean-going operative, Common Porpoise reported back from the front:

“Some Luciferians have powers like mind reading…this topic is so esoteric that I have had to include information that is, technically, incorrect…”

“…I had powers that would astonish you. I was a beautiful person. I could see into people’s minds. (You only gain that one if you are so so very loving and non-judgemental you will not judge what you see.)…”

“…I never had to use money because everything I needed came to me – I never had to pay a gas bill (not because I was spongeing off someone else or committing any crime but because the gas came to me free in the most magical way)…”

Oh Christ, am I gonna make it to the end here?

*Takes sip of Red Bull*

Must keep going. Must keep going…

“…I rarely talk about my experiences because if you knew what they were they would blow you away. I have worked with some of the most highly evolved spiritual beings on this planet. Some of them are not human…I have witnessed heavenly miracles and beauty that would blow your minds. I have been in celestial spaces that are so holy and beautiful that some people have given their lives to enter them…David is a shaman…True shamen are born. They experience a ‘shamanic initiation’…involving dreams of dismemberment etc. After it they acquire shamanic power…David is real. I know this because I used to be on the board of the Spiritual Crisis Network…

Struggling now.

Breathe, CP. Breathe…

…”I gave most of my money away to poor people. I am not remotely beautiful but people would come up to me in the street and say, ‘You know – you are so so beautiful’. I was one of the ‘radiant ones’…”

OK, that’s it. Bollocks to stamina. Pull me out now!

We had to remove our favourite dolphin, as her little brain was threatening to explode from an overload of bollox. She’s currently recuperating in her square tank, and doing much better, thanks.

Anyway. That was Charlotte’s first ‘final statement’. Here’s her second:

Sonya, for those not in the know (which included us until about, oh, 3 hours ago) is Sonya Van Gelder, who Charlotte and her lot have apparently flagged as a shill/disinfo/cointelpro/whatever.

Oh, and Lucies? We think that’s short for ‘Luciferians’, and we think it’s what those in the cult call us. Yeah, go figure.

Sonya seems to have pushed Charlotte right over the brink:

Best quote ever: “BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS. WIBBLE.”

This astounding work of literary genius is followed by another (stop! we can barely stand it!):

A few notes:

1. “The cult are very pissed off”. First, ‘cult’ is a singular noun. Should read: “The cult is very pissed off”. Also, if by ‘cult’ you mean those of us who’ve been combatting the hoax, we’re actually feeling pretty happy these days. Have a look around—our joy is palpable. In your cult, however, we hear things aren’t so rosy at the moment.
2. “…[N]ow that I am working with David and Fiona they will not do anything to me—they will not dare because David will shout it from the rooftops”. Um, okay, sure. Whatever you say.
3. “All the baddies and Sonya started destroying David’s reputation…” So we assume, then, that Olu Essien Popoola, Araya Soma/Manna, and Maria McMahon are all on the ‘baddies’ list now? Fascinating.
4. “I was IN the Christ Consciousness once…” Really, Charlotte? Really?

Well, there you have it.

Charlotte’s final statement, her final final statement…and we’re sure there’ll be a final final final statement coming out any moment now.

If there’s anything we’ve learned about Charlotte over the past months, it’s this: she doesn’t relinquish centre stage readily. Could someone please lay hands on that shepherd’s crook?