Our New Year’s resolutions

The fireworks are over, the last champagne has been sipped, and in the cold light of New Year’s morning, we’re sitting here thinking about what this new year will bring.

We’ve now had almost a year of battling the forces of f*ckwittery, and we like to think we’ve learned a thing or two. But of course, there’s always room for improvement.

With that in mind, we’re drafting some New Year’s resolutions to help guide us through the next months as we work to wash the Hampstead hoax down the drain and into the obscurity it so richly deserves.

Please feel free to make suggestions! All welcome.

In 2016 we at Hoaxtead Research will…

…Pay off that pesky £8 trillion lien. And while we’re at it, we’ll stop dishonouring, discombobulating, and dismembering Neelu.

…Cut down on the McBabyburgers. We know they’re the other other white meat, but really. They cannot be good for us in these quantities. Think of the adrenochrome!

…In the same vein (snicker) we’re planning to cut down on drinking menstrual blood and/or urine, our own or others’. It is entirely possible, we’ve found, to have too much of a good thing.

…Be kinder to Lord Ashtray and Roger the 8-foot butterfly. Though we’re still really confused about how he managed to get into Barry’s bedroom. Still, that’s really between Roger and Barry, we think.

…Stop mentioning, discussing, mocking, debating, or otherwise writing about David S******. It only encourages him. Besides, he’s so last year.

…Send a nice thank-you note to Ed Opperman, whose epic 3-hour interview of Abe and Ella provided us with so much fodder. Who knew he’d wind up blowing the lid off the Hoaxtead hawkers? Not us, that’s for sure! 😉

While we’re at it, here are a few suggestions for our friends:

Neelu: “I will keep my Oyster card up to date. And tell my son to stop speeding“.

Angie: “I will cut down to 60 ciggies a day, and stop screaming empty threats at people who disagree with me”.

Sabine: “I will use my celebrated maths skills to work out the length of my jail sentence”.

Belinda: “I will stop ignoring the elephant in the room. Oh, and my mentally ill daughter, What’s-her-name”.

Charlotte: “I will stop hitting on younger men. And take some much-needed singing lessons. Perhaps I’ll invite Araya, Neelu, and Dawn Moses to join me”.

Christine: “I will take PC Fraser’s sage advice and calm the f*ck down”.

Guidance 2222: “I will change my footwear more frequently. And learn to speak English”.

Margaret Sneddon: “I will give up drinking on Sundays. And stop going bankrupt every other bloody year”.

Araya Soma: “I will give up having periods. I’m sure Hitler disapproves of them”.

Alan Wrightson: “I will take an anger management course, and stop writing insanely verbose and abusive bulk emails to strangers“.

Bronwyn Llewellyn: “I will stop pretending I know the first thing about writing, until I’ve cleaned up my own blog. Oh, and I’ll give up my AK47 collection. And stop falling off walls”.

Kevin Weaver: “I will  try to breathe in once in a while. And stop wearing that stupid made-in-China Guy Fawkes mask. I realise now that it makes me look even more prattish than I am. Innit?”

Deborah Mahmoudieh: “I will stop getting baked and making videos. And I’ll cut down to just 20 shouts per day, in the privacy of my own bathroom”.

Chris Everard: “I will stock up regularly on throat sweets”. (Also applies to Tom Cahill.)

Abe: “I will complete my mind control course at Tavistock”.

Ella: “I will find a new f*cking boyfriend”.