Abe fails at…well, everything, really.

A few of us were down at the pub the other night, and the subject of Abe’s (and possibly Ella’s) blog came up. Comments ranged from “looks like it was put together by a trained chimpanzee” to “what’s he hoping to accomplish with it?” to “does he actually even get what a blog is supposed to be?”

The dismal failure of the blog got us thinking: has Abe ever succeeded in anything he’s put his hand to?

As a father…Abe wouldn’t have won any awards. He beat his children (and received a police caution at least once); his step-children from from his first marriage report that he made their lives a living hell, and one of his children died of an overdose. Hmm.

Well, what about as a husband then? Oh. Nope. In fact, he beat his wife so badly that he put her in hospital. To this day, she cannot speak of him.

Abe’s business ventures are marked by impulsivity, grandiosity, foolish decisions…and failure.

For example, he sold his family home to raise cash to start a business trading in precious metals. Apparently no one explained to him that he was supposed to ‘buy low and sell high’.

Whoops.

As a result, his family was left homeless. Good going, Abe.

And then there was his hemp seed business, in which he planned to package hemp seed and send it on to outlets for sale. During the process of setting that up, he discovered that the retail world had entered the computer era, and barcodes would be required so his product could be scanned. No biggie, right?

At least, until he discovered (gasp!) that the assigned barcode had a ‘666’ in it.

Ack! Abort mission! Run away!!

Seriously. We are not kidding.

Abe’s criminal career wasn’t exactly stellar, either. Four words sum this up: ’64 charges. 37 convictions’. Someone needs to point out to him that the point of being a criminal is not to get caught.

And let’s not forget the biggest failure of all, his attempt to ‘help’ his girlfriend Ella by ensuring her ex never had access to their children again. Obviously, the best way to do that was to accuse the ex of being the leader of a huge satanic ritual abuse cult, right?

Yeah, that worked like a bleedin’ charm, didn’t it?

So here’s the challenge: does anyone know of anything—any aspect of his life—in which Abe has not been a Grade A, Number 1, Certified Failure? (And we’re not counting his success at being a psychopath. That would be cheating.)