Frances Files: A Public Service Announcement for Hallowe’en

It’s Hallowe’en, our friend Frances’ favourite time of year, so when she slipped this letter under our door and ran away giggling (hard to do when you’re a 7-foot tall lizard, by the way), we knew we had to publish it on her behalf.
As always, read at your own risk.

Dear Frances Followers,

It’s almost that time of year when Frances gets more letters than one could shake an empty skull at:  Hallowe’en.  

You, her dear fans, are asking advice on what to wear on All Hallow’s Eve.  There are so many choices out there, Frances knows:  Sexy Bacon Sandwich, Sexy Unicorn Pegasus, Sexy Lobster…

But Frances must warn you, there is one costume this year that she feels is, as young people would say, a no-go.  

She fears she might be too late, that people have already spent their hard-earned pennies on the wig, the nose and the chin, but Frances is still trying to warn her fans away from dressing like Belinda McKenzie.  

Yes, she’s scary.  Yes, she is evil.  She certainly fills the Hallowe’en brief (oh dear, Frances believes she just made a potty joke), but one must not give in to this.  Once one goes down the road of mimicking this sordid woman, one is at risk of having some of her evil rubbing off on one.

Please.  Frances beseeches.  

Anyone but Belinda.  Or Abe Christie (B’s friend/notfriend/enemy/whocantellanymore), for that matter. Although, if one were to dress like him, one would need a vat of Brylcreem as well as enough self-tanner to sink the proverbial battleship.  

If you are still undecided, please watch the following explanatory video.  If this doesn’t help change your mind, Frances gives up.

Off you go, little Hallowe’en Bacon Unicorn Lobsters, be safe out there.


p.s. Yes, we know you saw this last night…but please, don’t tell Frances. She’s very sensitive.
Frances Mulligan

12 thoughts on “Frances Files: A Public Service Announcement for Hallowe’en

  1. Damn. I already bought the polyester twin-set and the sensible shoes. And I got the box to stand on and the megaphone as well.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Done that. And I’ve borrowed Angie’s baby-tooth necklace, the one she wears in that ‘Bases’ video with Chatty Cathi. That might be a bit flash though.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Too wonderful. Entirely inappropriate but I’d love to send a group of kids with little skulls around their necks to knock on her front door to yell “trick or treat”. Or maybe to Sabine who would probably have a breakdown.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. An excellent and invaluable public information bulletin as always, Ms Frances.

    If it helps, there is a safer alternative to the Belinda costume in Asda’s patented Jilly Cooper mask:

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is always a pleasure to hear from the delightful Frances. I did consider dressing up as Abe but Tesco had run out of Brylcream and i’d have to walk on my knees to be the same height as the little gnome that Abe is.

    Liked by 2 people

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