Jacqui’s Diary

The diary excerpt below comes in from our intrepid agent Candy Crusher. She was tunnelling around in Jacqui Farmer’s drawers when whe stumbled upon it. Now, we at Hoaxtead Research know you should never read a lady’s diary but Jacqui’s not a lady, so it doesn’t count in this case. So anyway, Candy made a Freedom of Information request to the Ministry of Journals and got the bugger released. Enjoy:

Jacqui’s Diary

11pm. After trawling through the internet looking for porn all day, I am exhausted. Take my pills…1 for the voices in my head. 1 for answering the voices in my head, 1 for calming me down and 1 for lifting me up; and 3 PINTS OF RED BULL.

3am. Managed to sleep a bit tonight. Getting excited about morning. Have 5,678 more sites to visit to see if I can find some more porn to link to RD/parents/Police/anyone whose name has an ‘A’, ‘E’, ‘I’ ‘O’ or ‘U’ in it. 6 am.  Wide awake now  WEEEEEH!!!!  Red Bull kicked in.  Firing up computers.  

7am.  Jellied eels for brekkie, with some brawn.

9am. At computer. Can feel fingers loosening up now.

9:15am.  FUCK!!!  Tablets really kicked in…megabytes, downloads, whirring like bastards now!

12 noon. Stop for lunch, arse hurting, mouth dribbling. Think I will have some shit pie for lunch – made it earlier.

4pm. Posted 2,309 blogs. ALL CRAP.  Hahaha! But I am a hero!  Have managed to link a few non-starters, that’s good. MMWWAAAHH!  They will never know, the stupid twats.

6pm. Went for a walk. Legs are fucking swelling now. Must be the 6 pints of sherry!!! Note to self…Must buy the more expensive one…Lidl is ok but HEY, WHAT THE FECK!!! I have managed to incriminate loads of innocents today…I deserve it. Brush hair, first time today. Fag ash and sick came out ok.

8pm. Notice the Oppo have made me look a right fool. I know – music, or a re-blog. Oh dear, quick – sink another Red Bull…Waaahahhaha!!!!! Phew, that is better.

10pm. Pyjamas on, so what is the problem? No one can see my hairy legs, or smell my sweaty armpits!! Hahahhahaha, that is the joy of the internet – be a slob!

11pm.  Managed to post another 576 blogs. I must get a prize for all of this. Wonder if Sabine is going to send my food parcel. Cow, she said she would!! She is such a lying bitch. Midnight.  Shit, run out of pills…Have to sniff a line or two…That is a good one, helps me get really C R A Z Y !!!! AAAAHH! Post post post!

1am.  Tucked up in bed with my sucky toy….Watched a couple of Kevin Annett’s vids and a re-run of Belinda and Neelu. Just love those!!

2am. Sleepy time…RIGHT, INTO MY COFFIN NOW. That’s all folks……HAHAHAHA! Till morning 😉


Jacqui, 10pm


6 thoughts on “Jacqui’s Diary

  1. First we had Anne Frank’s Diary…
    then…Samuel Pepys
    then the Secret Diary of Adrian Mole……
    and then the films…….Bridget Jones’s Diaries
    and now The Jacqui Farmer Diaries….

    Can’t wait for the next entry

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